I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
