i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
