Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
