what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
