Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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