...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
