Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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