you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
