You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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