swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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