my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
