Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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