between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When are your genitals available?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
