Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
