Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
