you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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