You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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