Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You left your phone here
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