I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
