Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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