Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
