Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
please come you make the beer taste better
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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