I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
