Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
