cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
