He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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