Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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