I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
