your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
