dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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