Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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