matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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