I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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