mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
