Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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