I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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