Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
