i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
