happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
