Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
