I can tuck mytits in my pants
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
is wine microwaveable?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
