carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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