I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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