i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
sick fucks of a feather flock together
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
