So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
