4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
