Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
