i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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