my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
