i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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