**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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